Christmas Season

This is the first Christmas season I've enjoyed in ... as long as I can remember. I've always succumbed to the stress and anxiety of Christmas, never able to enjoy the very reason we celebrate. I know what's kept me miserable all these years, but don't see the need to include it here. There's been enough poison in my life, no need to keep spreading it.

God is doing a wonderful work in my life. It started two weeks ago today - (Pastor) Marty called on the congregation to fast any 20 days from that day until the New Year. I was already unable to eat solid food because of a side effect from medication, so I was pretty much already fasting - but without prayer. Fasting is a wonderful tool to draw closer to the Lord, but without prayer it's just not eating, nothing more. So I committed to spending 20 days this month in fasting AND prayer - just days before the medication side effect subsided - so now it's a decision I have to make every time I'm offered a Christmas cookie, or David makes a steak and offers me some (he's being a sweetheart, he forgets I'm fasting.)

I'm spending time every day in prayer, prayer in the Spirit and with understanding (praying in tongues sometimes, sometimes praying in English). I am experiencing ... something new. A new openness? A new awareness of who Jesus is in my life? A new depth of understanding? I don't know, don't know quite what it is - but when I enter into His presence, I no longer feel like a trespasser.

Also two weeks ago, it finally clicked that my faith - my very Christianity - is not founded on my emotions or my circumstances - it's founded on the sacrifice at Calvary - God is the same, Jesus is the same, the ANSWER is the same whether I'm feeling good or not - whether I'm in a borderline episode or not - whether circumstances are agreeable or not - they don't determine my spirituality, it's determined by a decision on my part to remain faithful despite distractions. I mean, it's like I always knew that, but somehow it just kind of "clicked" that Sunday.

I stayed home from church last Sunday, I think my head was hurting - of course I was well enough to get Jessica to the Powerhouse and wait for her there, then drive her home and watch TV with her - I was just tooooo sick to go to church. What a copout! Last night my headache started up again - no actually, Friday night and all day yesterday the headache kicked in - I spent pretty much the whole day in bed. Before bedtime I told Jessica "we ARE going to church tomorrow." Woke up this morning, no headache. :o) I got up at 8:00, just couldn't sleep anymore (all night, all day and all night seemed to be sufficient) and started to get ready. It was wonderful to have time to pick out a nice outfit and put my makeup on at home, instead of just grabbing something out of the dresser and throwing my makeup on in the church parking lot.

I'd been spending all week reading Psalm 91 and praying and singing praises, so my spirit was ready to get there and join in corporate worship with my church family. How sweet is the worship service when I'm really focused, and not rushing in at the last minute with everything on my mind except drawing near to Jesus. During praise and worship, while I was worshipping I had a vision - well, I saw before my eyes - visions of lightning. I learned a few years ago that lightning doesn't just come down and hit anywhere; it comes down looking for a place to hit - something from the ground has to send out an electrical charge and draw the lightning toward it, THEN it hits. (The tree outside David's grandparents' farm house must have had quite a charge; it got hit pretty much every time there was a storm!) I realized that God inhabiting the praises of His people is pretty much like lightning striking - we have to reach out to Him, and He reaches back and meets us where we're at. I was just blown away! People wonder why everyone around them is in the Spirit but they're not - it's because they're not reaching, they're sitting there waiting for God to respond to ... nothing! I will never look at worship the same again.

The other day on the way home from therapy, another thing just "clicked". It occurred to me that if I can use DBT to alter my cognitive behavior - to not react emotionally to my environment or circumstances - and DBT has made such a huge difference for me - if I can do that with my cognitive function, I can take it up another level and apply the same skills to my spiritual life! I don't have to let emotions or circumstances direct my path or my relationship with Jesus, I can stop - and take another look - and DECIDE whether to respond my way or the way Jesus would have me respond. I have a CHOICE, I don't have to be blown about by feelings or thoughts - I CAN take every thought captive, and if it doesn't line up with the Word of God, I can reject it and replace it with a Godly response.

This is all so basic, it astounds me that it never even crossed my mind before! I only hope this is just the beginning of new realizations (revelations?) and changes in my thought pattern - here a little, there a little, here a little, there a little, line upon line, line upon line, precept upon precept, precept upon precept - gradually growing in my knowledge and relationship with the Almighty.

After all this past year has held for me, I'm in awe that the year is ending this way. But I said back in January, 2007 is my year! I had no idea how right I was.

Lord God, you've given me everything - except the words to express my joy, my gratitude, and my love for You.